Self Peptalking

What's up, y'all?

I wanna tell you a little story about me.

I am a beauty consultant. I was asked to do a makeup demo on a model in front of a group of people recently. I only recently, within the last 5 years, started wearing make-up myself.
Mostly because of insecurity. I'll explain that later. But since becoming a consultant, I have been trained and practiced using make-up and applying it to others. And there are some really great products and colors in this line, so I am very excited about it and I knew what I was doing. So I agreed and my model was awesome and agreed to help me out. Still, when I was up in front of this crowd of people (30-35 people, I think), I was very nervous. I tried to appear confidant and poised, and do what I knew I was doing well. But the whole time I was hearing this very loud voice:
"What are you doing?! You Suck! Why did you choose THAT? Everyone is wondering why you are telling them anything, they are thinking that they know more about make-up than you. They are thinking every choice you made was a bad one...." Etc. When I sat down, I was about 100x less confident than when I went up. I hung out for a while, and then I got to sit in a seat that was right in front of my model and I finally got a good look from the audience's perspective. She looked really good! So then I started re-thinking those thoughts and voices and wondering what that was all about. I mean, I totally believed what I was hearing the whole time, until I really looked at the situation and realized it was total Bologna.
BA-LON-EY!

So, if it was the opposite of true, why did I believe it so readily? Why did I hear it so loudly? Why did I never doubt it until I could see the truth with my own eye?
Here's the thing: I ALWAYS have the voices of doubt, discouragement, condemnation and criticism in my head. They are there whatever I do. And pretty soon, it's my own voice telling myself those negative messages.

Self-Talk.

This applies to everything I aspire to do. I hear, "you can't, why even bother. You'll fail. Everyone will think you suck." I hear this when I sing for church, when I plan lessons for school, at home and at co-op. Whenever I go out into public and I dress up to look good, I still hear "everyone thinks you look terrible and you don't know how to dress yourself." Why is this and what can I do about it?

First of all, the why is because I have been hearing it most of my life. At first it was outside voices, but eventually it transferred to my inner voice. The people in my life when I was at a very impressionable age kept telling me that I was no good in many ways. I began to believe it, completely.
Wouldn't you think that if I was so insecure, I would wear a lot of make-up, instead of none at all?
I would, too, but somehow, my insecurity told me that if I wasn't good enough without make-up, then I wasn't good enough. Plus, I suck so bad at everything, I would just look like a drunken cross-dresser if I attempted to do my own make up.
But if I did look good in it, I didn't want to appear better than I really looked and have people like me because of my looks and it not be the real me they liked. I was afraid that they would then see me without make-up one day and suddenly stop liking me because I am really so hideous underneath it all. Does that make sense? I don't know. I'm better, now.

Now, I have a group of family and friends around me that tell me positive things about me. It could be an army of people speaking good things about me and I would still question it. But I add to my own thoughts. I compound the problem by speaking things over myself that keeps me questioning all those good things.

I think we all do this, social pressure keeps us second-guessing ourselves and we talk down about ourselves out loud and in our minds. I think it would be a much more functional and positive place if we instead said those positive and true things to help motivate ourselves. I want to promote functionality in my own life.

What does this have to do with homeschooling? Well, if I'm not being confident by the things I'm hearing about myself in my head, I am not going to get a whole lot done with them, and the negative talk feeds into their minds as well. It comes out in different ways and the kids do pick up on it, whether I say any of it aloud or not. But I do quit if I doubt myself too much and I am not quitting homeschooling because of doubt, so this has to change somehow. They need me to be a good teacher.

I get these migraine headaches sometimes. Usually onset by hormones, so they happen fairly frequently. Any time you are in excruciating pain so bad that you are dysfunctional all day and you feel you might throw-up from the intensity of the headache is too frequent, I say. I can't help it. It is an uncontrollable thing. I can barely make it go away. (Excedrin Migraine helps, I am going to endorse it here for free, but you can only dose up so much in a day and it's usually not effective enough to 'cure' the problem for the day, sadly.) When I have these, you would not believe the self-talk that happens. It's as if I invented an excuse to be practically bedridden for an entire day. As if I would choose that! Like I said, I cannot help this problem, but judging by what I say to myself when I find myself being taken care of by my family, instead of being the one taking care of them,  you would think I actually had any control and I am just so selfish for doing this.

I had one yesterday, Monday. I had started this blog over the weekend so that I would have one up and ready on Monday at the start, but I was so miserable, I hardly looked at my laptop all day. I would say I had an excuse.
I didn't even post anything on Facebook all day, if you can believe it! That's how bad I was feeling. I did make the kids do their workbooks, at least. That made me feel like I got at least one thing off my check-list
done.

But I hated myself for being so dysfunctional. I can hardly stand to be looked after. I tell myself I should be the one to do for others. But the truth is we cannot do everything for ourselves and we need each other. No one is Superman. NO one. Not even you. He doesn't really exist, and even if he did, Lois still would have to take care of him any time he got around some kryptonite. That stuff is powerful, man, he would be out for the day after encountering a little piece of it. SO my point is: why be so hard on myself for having a day of weakness and needing to be cared for?

I have got to start speaking true and positive self-talk.

I want to encourage others to do the same. I could get so much more accomplished in life if I believed in myself more. We probably all could. I know what the truth is. I am going to start claiming it out loud. Are you with me?

Starting today, Tuesday the 14th of June, I issue a 10-day challenge:
Say 1 nice thing aloud about yourself for every one negative thought that threatens to hinder your life in any way.

For example, right now I am thinking what a failure I am for forgetting where I put something important, and I am condemning myself in my head for being absent-minded. Here's what I'm going to say right now to myself: "YOU are normal. Everyone misplaces stuff sometimes. You'll find it eventually. You have a great memory and you are very responsible. Don't worry about it!" It's all good :)
Self-pep-talk. I want to be more, not less, productive. And, as I've said before, I want to set good examples for my kids and daycare kids. SO speaking aloud might help them here and internalize positive speaking for themselves.

Who's with me on this challenge? You know the truth. Speak it!
I'll start out my blog with the good words of the day and let you know how I'm doing on this challenge for the next 10 blogs. So if that's more that 10 consecutive days, I'll just have to be positive for longer. Oh, well. :)

Talk to you soon!