What a weakend

I so hate the feeling of being helpless. Don't you? I am sitting at my computer with my sick baby on my lap, and I can't make him better. Babies always think that we can help them and they look to their parents to fix it. Sometimes we can, but on occasions when they are sick and everything we do to help get them well makes them think we are torturing them, it makes us feel so helpless.

Nothing that I know of is majorly wrong with him. Fever. Not sure why yet. He'll probably be fine. It really makes me grateful at times like these that my child isn't hospital-ridden, or chronic. Just a passing fever that's all part of growing up. I am so sympathetic of those parents who patrol the children's ward corridors night after night. And how grateful I am that my own precious babies are considerably healthy. I don't know why I was so blessed. I am only thankful. But nevertheless. I hate feeling helpless.

I feel that way whenever I have a migraine. These are times of mandatory days "off" when all I can do is sleep or rest on the couch.
ALL DAY. I can't make the intense pain really go away, just vaguely dull it. So I am basically useless and dependent on others (mainly my wonderful husband) to care for me, and I can't do my job(s). I feel so bad, then. Not just physically bad, but also like I am such a terrible burden because I can't do for others, but must let tem do for me. How humbling. I think at these times, I am being taught a valuable lesson, and what a waste of an agonizing opportunity if I didn't pay attention to learn it.

Why DO I so hate the feeling of not being able to control something? Why can't I just let go and allow myself to be free of the burden
of always being the caregiver and never receiver? What is so wrong with being cared for that I feel so bad about it? Doesn't it  bring me a sense of pleasure to make someone's day by blessing them with care? Then why wouldn't I think that someone else (especially my sweet man who loves to be my hero) would feel the same to take care of me for a short time once in a while? Why can't I seem to let go of the guilt I feel about it, as if I chose to be sick to make more work for others, or some similar sinful choice. Where does that guilt even come from?

Submission.

What a heated, controversial word that is. Oohh, don't bring that up in front of an engaged bride, if you don't want to have a cat-fight.
I am not talking about submission in context of marriage. That is for a whole different blog...
The submission I am thinking of relates to mothers, home-schooling and otherwise. To what do we submit, anyways? Are we slaves of schedule?
Do we submit to a set time-frame? How about the homemakers? Can a dirty dish be left unwashed? Can I let go and be OK with not having control of my household while pain takes over? Can I submit to the humbling I am receiving by being dependent on others? When you look at your class and they are whining about schoolwork AGAIN, and you can't seem to get things back in control, do you feel helpless then? What do you do?


2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"Each time (I begged God to take my suffering away) He said, 'My Grace is all you need. MY power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the Power of Christ can work through me. (10) That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am Weak, then I am STRONG."

Mark 14:35-36

"He went an a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting Him might pass Him by. (36)"Abba, Father," He cried out, "everything is possible for you. Please take this CUP of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine." (NLT)

Now, this is submission like I'm talking about. I have no claim to comparison between myself and Jesus, or Paul, even. That guy had faith that I could never claim to have. But I understand the message they are passing to me. Suffering is allowed for the purpose of reminding us that we CANNOT be self-dependent. Life will yank the rug out from under us and drop us on our "tushies". And we can't help it. And we can't help ourselves. We will have to ask for help and accept it. And when we do, our delusions of supermomablity vanish. Welcome to reality. You are human, and you will fail. You are incapable of perfection. Where did you even get the idea that you could achieve that? We need weakness like that to wake us up to the reality that someone else can be strong for us, and we can lean on them. And THAT'S OK! Submit to it. Submit to the weakness and the strength of another. The only way we will ever be able to succeed in life is when we are realistic about success and what it takes. Others. No more delusions of grandeur, where I have "everything under control"... really, EVERYTHING? When we are weak, then HE is strong. And that's good, because His weakness is a KADZILLION times stronger than my strongest strengths. Let Him who made the universe spin in perfect balance be in charge. That really does make the most sense when you think about it. IS it OK to be weak? Heck, YES! I would much rather let the One that put order to every living thing be in charge than carry the burden of perfection on my own shoulders.

But I don't remember this when I am lying helpless on the couch with an anvil being dropped on my forehead. I'm not thinking of Jesus up there on that cross DYING when I feel bad. I'm pretty much just thinking of me. My self and all my burdens and suffering. And how much I must suck for not doing it all. Poor me. What do I ever have to go through that is anything as horrible as Him? He had all my suffering and all everyone else's suffering on Him in that moment.

And He let go to His Father and said, 'Not my will, but Yours be done.' Could I ever rejoice in my weaknesses? Could I ever be truly thankful for my suffering?
Why is this the hardest lesson to learn? I want to learn it. I have to surrender to the weakness and submit to the all-powerful One. He chooses to let me be weak so that I do not boast of my own strength, but I put my trust in Him and Boast of His strength.

I still don't like it, yet. But I am learning to appreciate it. I will never be superhomeschoolingmom. But Jesus Christ is super and I can do Super things through Him!

So, Father, I will let you be in charge of my little sick baby, and rest in knowing that You have his health in Your hands. He's going to be OK. Amen.